Jesus Phone Crucified by ATT
And it came to pass that on the morning of the Sabbath, there were no lines at the Apple Store in Soho. For lo, there were hordes of people on the previous eve. It was decided that the Lord had shined down on me and I wouldn’t have to wait in line like those who had not been chosen.
Three score and ten seconds later I had the one they call ‘Jesus Phone’. And indeed it was truly a wondrous thing from the one they call Steve. I tapped the button and there was light – and a little slidey thing and emergency call hotline-to-God thing. But not much else before activation with the people of ATT.
But the activation by the people called ATT did not work, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and hours of moronic playing with the single slidey thing.
And it came to pass that on the morning after the Sabbath the people of ATT did have conflicting messages for they knew not what they were doing. Some did prophesize that my Jesus phone number was being ported and some did prophesize that my number was not portable. And so the Baptism of Jesus Phone was caught in an endless loop. ATT did have a direct number and it was the number of the beast – with 2 hour hold times.
One of the people of the telephone book, ATT, did prophesize that “if I had walked into an ATT store and bought any other phone than an iPhone, that I wouldn’t have had any problems.”
And this made the one they call Steve very upset and there was more wailing and gnashing of teeth, for the one they call Steve was good and he had done an exclusive deal with the people of ATT, who were not good and couldn’t customer service their way out of a paper bag.
After 40 hours and 40 minutes on the phone with the people of the telephone book and consulting all the other plagues set upon people like Steve Rubel it was decided that I would go to the park with my wife and return Jesus Phone from whence he came, and sell my Apple stock. For. lo, the son doth shine and I’m not wasting my effing Sunday on the – PHONE.